when i was in my 20s, i saw my very first psychotherapy client. i was a ph.d. student in clinical psychology at berkeley. she was a 26-year-old woman named alex. now alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. now when i heard this, i was so relieved. my classmate got an arsonist for her first client. (laughter) and i got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. this i thought i could handle.
but i didn't handle it. with the funny stories that alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "thirty's the new 20," alex would say, and as far as i could tell, she was right. work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. twentysomethings like alex and i had nothing but time.
but before long, my supervisor pushed me to push alex about her love life. i pushed back.
i said, "sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."
and then my supervisor said, "not yet, but she might marry the next one. besides, the best time to work on alex's marriage is before she has one."
that's what psychologists call an "aha!" moment. that was the moment i realized, 30 is not the new 20. yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make alex's 20s a developmental downtime. that made alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it. that was when i realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
there are 50 million twentysomethings in the united states right now. we're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
raise your hand if you're in your 20s. i really want to see some twentysomethings here. oh, yay! y'all's awesome. if you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, i want to see — okay. awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
so i specialize in twentysomethings because i believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
this is not my opinion. these are the facts. we know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. that means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. people who are over 40, don't panic. this crowd is going to be fine, i think. we know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. we know that more than half of americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. we know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. we know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. so your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
so when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. it's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. but what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
but this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults." it's true. as a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
leonard bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time. isn't that true? so what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "you have 10 extra years to start your life"? nothing happens. you have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
and then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "i know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. i'm just killing time." or they say, "everybody says as long as i get started on a career by the time i'm 30, i'll be fine."
but then it starts to sound like this: "my 20s are almost over, and i have nothing to show for myself. i had a better résumé the day after i graduated from college."
and then it starts to sound like this: "dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. i didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes i think i married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
where are the twentysomethings here? do not do that.
okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. when a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
the post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. it's realizing you can't have that career you now want. it's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "what was i doing? what was i thinking?"
i want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
here's a story about how that can go. it's a story about a woman named emma. at 25, emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. she said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. and as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. she often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
well one day, emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. she'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "in case of emergency, please call ... ." she was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "who's going to be there for me if i get in a car wreck? who's going to take care of me if i have cancer?"
now in that moment, it took everything i had not to say, "i will." but what emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. emma needed a better life, and i knew this was her chance. i had learned too much since i first worked with alex to just sit there while emma's defining decade went parading by.
so over the next weeks and months, i told emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
first, i told emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. by get identity capital, i mean do something that adds value to who you are. do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. i didn't know the future of emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but i do know this: identity capital begets identity capital. so now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. i'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but i am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. that's procrastination. i told emma to explore work and make it count.
second, i told emma that the urban tribe is overrated. best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. that new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. new things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. so yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. but half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that un-posted job. it's not cheating. it's the science of how information spreads.
last but not least, emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. i told emma the time to start picking your family is now. now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and i agree with you. but grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. the best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
so what happened to emma? well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. that weak tie helped her get a job there. that job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. she's married to a man she mindfully chose. she loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
now emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what i love about working with twentysomethings. they are so easy to help. twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving lax, bound for somewhere west. right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in alaska or fiji. likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good ted talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
so here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. it's as simple as what i learned to say to alex. it's what i now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like emma every single day: thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. you're deciding your life right now. thank you. (applause)
譯文：
記得見我第一位心理諮詢顧客時，我才20多歲。當時我是berkeley臨床心理學在讀博士生。我的第一位顧客是名叫alex的女性，26歲。第一次見面alex穿著牛仔褲和寬鬆上衣走進來，她一下子栽進我辦公室的沙發上，踢掉腳上的平底鞋，跟我說她想談談男生的問題。
當時我聽到這個之後鬆了一口氣。因為我同學的第一個顧客是縱火犯，而我的顧客卻是一個20齣頭想談談男生的女孩。我覺得我可以搞定。但是我沒有搞定。
alex不斷地講有趣的事情，而我只能簡單地點頭認同她所說的，很自然地就陷入了附和的狀態。alex說：“30歲是一個新的20歲。”沒錯，我告訴她“你是對的”。工作還早，結婚還早，生孩子還早，甚至死亡也早著呢。像alex和我這樣20多歲的人，什麼都沒有但時間多的是。
但不久之後，我的導師就要我向alex的感情生活施壓。我反駁說：“當然她現在正在和別人交往，她現在和一個傻瓜男生睡覺，但看樣子她不會和他結婚的。”而我的導師說：“不著急，她也許會和下一個結婚。但修復alex婚姻的最好時期，是她還沒擁有婚姻的時期。”
這就是心理學家說的“頓悟時刻”。正是那個時候我意識到，30歲不是一個新的20歲。
的確，和以前的人相比，現在人們更晚才安定下來，但是這不代表alex就能長期處於20多歲的狀態。更晚安定下來，應該使alex的20多歲成為發展的黃金時段，而我們卻坐在那裡忽視這個發展的時機。從那時起我意識到，這種善意的忽視，確實是個問題，它不僅給alex本身和她的感情生活帶來不良後果，而且影響到處20多歲的人的事業、家庭和未來。
現在在美國，20多歲的人有五千萬，也就是15%的人口，或者可以說所有人口，因為所有成年人都要經歷他們的20多歲。我專門研究20多歲的人，因為我堅信這五千萬的20多歲的人，每一個人都應該去了解那些心理學家、社會學家、神經學家和生育專家已經知道的事實：你的20多歲是極簡單，卻極具變化的時期之一。你20多歲的時光決定了你的事業、愛情、幸福甚至整個世界。
這不是我的看法。這些是事實。我們知道80%決定你生活的時刻發生在35歲之前。這就意味著你生活的重要決定、經歷和突然的領悟，有八成是在你30多歲之前發生的。那些超過40歲的朋友不要驚慌，我想這群人會沒事的。
我們知道職業生涯的前XX年，對你將來的收入有重大影響。我們知道到了30歲的時候，超過半數的美國人會結婚，或者和未來的另一半同居或者約會。我們知道人在20多歲的時候，大腦停止第二次也是最後一次重組，以適應成年世界的快速發育階段。這就意味著不管你想怎樣改變自己，現在是時間改變了。
我們知道在20多歲的時候，性格的改變多於生命中任何時期。我們也知道女性的最佳生育時期，在28歲的時候達到頂峰，35歲之後生育變得困難。所以你的20多歲正是了解你自身和選擇的時期。
當我們想到孩童的成長時，我們都知道1-5歲，是大腦學習語言和感知的重要時期。這個時期，日常的普通生活，都會對你的未來道路影響巨大。但是我們卻很少聽到成年發展期，而我們的20多歲正是成年發展期的關鍵。
但是20多歲的人卻聽不到這些，報紙討論的只是成年年齡界線的變更。研究者稱20多歲是延長的青春期。記者就引用傻傻的外號稱呼20多歲的人，比如“twixters” (twenty-mixters)和“kidults”(kid-adults)。這是真的。作為一種文化，我們的忽視的正是對成年起到決定性作用的十年(從20歲到30歲)。
雷昂納德·伯恩斯坦說過：要想取得成就，你需要一個計畫和緊迫的時間。這是大實話啊!所以當你拍著一個20多歲的人的腦袋，跟他說，“你有額外的XX年去開始你的生活”，你覺得這改變了什麼?什麼都沒改變。你只是奪走了那個人的緊迫感和雄心壯志，絕對沒有改變什麼。
然後每天，那些聰明有趣的20多歲的人，就像你們和你們的兒子女兒一樣，走入我的辦公室開始說：“我知道我的男朋友對我不夠好，但是我們的關係不算數。我只是在消磨時光而已。”或者說“每個人都告訴我，只要能在30歲的時候開始我的事業，這就足夠了。”
但是實際聽上去卻是：“我馬上就要三十了，卻根本就沒有東西展示。我只是在大學畢業時，有過一份最漂亮的簡歷。”或是這樣：“我20多歲時的約會，就像找凳子。每個人都繞著凳子跑，隨便玩一玩，但是快30的時候，就像音樂停止了，所有人開始坐下。我不想成為那唯一站著的人，所以有時候我會想我和我丈夫之所以會結婚，是因為在我30歲的時候，他是當時離我最近的那張凳子。”
20多歲的人吶，千萬不要這樣做。這個做法聽起來有點輕率，但是不要犯錯，因為風險很高。當很多事都被擠到你30多歲的時候，就會有巨大壓力，在很短的時間內快速啟動一項事業，挑一個城市，找到伴侶，生兩三個孩子。這些事大多是不能同時完成的，正如研究表明，在30歲的時候，要想工作、生活一步到位，難度很高，壓力很大。
千禧年後的中年危機並不是一輛紅色跑車。而是意識到你不能擁有你想擁有的事業，意識到你不能擁有你想要的孩子，或者給你的孩子添個兄弟姐妹。太多30多歲40多歲的人，看看他們自己，看看我，坐在屋子裡談論自己的20多歲，“我當時都乾么了?我當時都想啥了?”我想改變現在20多歲人的所思所為。
這裡我想講個故事說明問題。這個故事是關於名叫emma一個女人。她25歲的時候，走入我的辦公室，因為用她自己的話說，她有自我認識危機。她說她也許想從事關於藝術或者娛樂的工作，但是她還沒決定。所以取而代之的是，她花了過去幾年的時間當服務員。為了減少開銷，她和她的男朋友同居，一個脾氣暴躁而無志向的人。
正如她悲慘的20多歲，她早年的生活更加悲慘。她經常在談話過程中哭泣，努力鎮定下來後說“你沒辦法選擇你的家庭，但是你可以選擇你的朋友。”有一天，emma走進來，她雙手抱頭於膝蓋，然後抽泣了幾乎一個小時。她剛買了一個新的通訊錄本子，然後花了一整個早上的時間，填寫她的聯繫人信息。當她填到“萬一發生緊急情況，請聯繫…”的時候，她沒有任何人可填。
她幾乎崩潰地看著我並說，“如果我被車撞了，誰會在那裡?假如我得癌症了，誰會在那裡?”在那種情況下，我花了好大力氣才忍住說“我會。”emma所需要的，並不是理療師所真正關心的。她需要一個更好的生活，我知道這是她的機會。自alex開始，我從這份工作上學到了很多，不能只是坐在那裡看著emma十年黃金定型期白白消逝。所以接下去的幾個星期幾個月，我告訴emma三件事，所有20多歲的男生女生都值得聽一聽。
首先，我告訴emma忘掉她的自我認識危機，去獲得一些身份認定的資本。
身份資本是指做增加自我價值的事。為自己下一步想成為的樣子，做一些事一些投資。我不知道emma的工作將來是什麼樣的，也沒人知道將來的工作是什麼樣的，但是我知道：身份資本會創造出更多身份資本。
現在是時候去嘗試你想要的海外工作、實習或者新起點。我不是輕視20多歲的自我探索，而是輕視那些隨便玩玩無所謂的探索，或者從某種意義上說那不是探索。那是拖沓!我告訴emma去探索工作，讓她的探索有所回報。
第二，我告訴emma不要高估自己的朋友圈。
好朋友會載你去機場，而和“志同道合的朋友”瞎混的20多歲的人，他們的交際圈、知識面、思維方式、說話方式和工作層面都被限制住了。新的資本或者新的約會對象，往往是從內部交際圈之外來的。新的事情來自我們所謂的“遠的關係”，我們朋友的朋友的朋友。
沒錯，半數20多歲的人，處在失業和半失業的狀態。但是另外一半的人卻不是這樣的，“遠的關係”正是你融入一個新的群體的紐帶。有半數的新工作從來不公示出來，所以聯絡你鄰居的老闆，是你找到那些未公示工作的方式。這不叫作弊，這是信息傳播的科學方式。
最後一點也很重要，emma相信你無法選擇你的家庭，但是你可以選擇你的朋友。可這只是她成長時期的狀況。
作為一個20多歲的人，emma很快會與某人為伴組建她自己的新家庭。我告訴emma現在就是你選擇你家庭的時候。現在你也許會想相比於20歲，25歲或30歲時組建家庭會更好。我同意你的看法。但是當你facebook上的朋友，都開始步入婚姻殿堂時，你隨便抓一個人一起生活、睡覺，絕對不是組建家庭的過程。
經營你婚姻的最佳時間，是你還沒結婚的時候，這意味要像你為了工作一樣精心謀劃。選擇你的家庭，是有意識地去選擇你想要的人和事，而不是為了結婚或者消磨時光，任意選擇一個正好選擇你的人。
emma發生了什麼變化呢?
我們翻了一遍通訊錄，她發現她原來的舍友的表妹，在另一個州的一家藝術博物館工作。這層遠關係幫助她在那裡得到一份工作。這份工作給她一個理由離開她那同居的男友。現在五年過去了，她是一名博物館特別活動策劃者。她和一個她用心選擇的男人結婚了。她愛她的事業，她愛她的新家，她寄給我一張賀卡寫道，“現在緊急聯繫欄似乎不夠填呢。”
emma的故事聽起來簡單，這正是為什麼我愛和20多歲人打交道。幫助20多歲的人很容易。20多歲就像離開洛杉磯飛往西部某處的飛機，起飛之後，一點小小變化，都會影響到它最終將降落在阿拉斯加還是斐濟。
同理，在你21歲，25歲甚至29歲的時候，一次好的談話、好的休息、好的ted演講，能在未來的幾年甚至幾代人的時間裡，帶來巨大的影響。因此這個想法值得傳達給每一個你所認識的20多歲人。這想法就像我後來告訴alex的話一樣簡單。
我每天都對像emma這樣的20多歲的人說：30歲不是一個新的20歲，所以規劃好你的成年生活，獲得一些身份認同資本，利用你的遠關係，選擇你的家庭。不要被你所不知道的，從未做過的事所禁錮。你現在的作為決定著你的人生。